allisonbridgman | Mentions

I’m all about “age is just a number” until I remembered I was in the 9th grade 20 years ago. TWENTY YEARS! I remember the first few months of grade 9 like they happened last year not two decades ago. Damn.

Then again, I was asked for my ID at the LCBO last week because the cashier could tell I was over 19 but not how many years over. Bless your sweet heart, Janice. Moisturizer, SPF, and curl your eyelashes, friends!

Anyway, here are 34 things on my 34th birthday.

1. What’s your favorite movie? Movies? Sound of Music and GI Blues.

2. A book you plan on reading? The book on my nightstand is We Were The Lucky Ones by Georgia Hunter.

3. Favorite TV show that’s currently on? Home Town. Or Younger. (Ok, ok, Canadian friends, Younger is very hard to watch – thanks to Chrissy for letting me use Hulu when I’m in the US – guuuuuys, if you see it when it’s back on MUCH or E! you’ve gotta watch. Team Josh all the way!)

4. On a scale of one to ten how excited are you about life right now? 7.2

5. Twitter or Instagram? Both? Come find me: allisonbridgman on both.

6. What’s your favorite meal? Breakfast.

7. Favorite Starbucks holiday drink? Chestnut praline latte. Getting my first one today and I am really looking forward to it.

8. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk.

9. Coffee or tea? By which you mean a delicious beverage or dirty leaf water? Definitely coffee.

10. What’s your favorite band? Arkells!

11. If you could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be? Max Kerman and we would sway and hug and jump around the entire time or Buddy Holly or young Elvis. (ps: I can’t sing)

12. If you could master one instrument, what would it be? Acoustic guitar.

13. If you had a tattoo, where would it be? On the inside of my finger. (No Laura, no)

14. Dogs or cats? I think cats.

15. What did you have for lunch today? Today: BLT with avocado. Every other day this week: super buttery oven toast with a sliced apple and slice of 7 years aged white cheddar.

16. What country do you wish to visit? Austria.

17. What’s your favorite color? Blush pink.

18. If you had one superpower, what would it be? Teleportation.

19. Favourite words? Sojourn and hooligan.

20. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday.

21. Do you like your handwriting? Love it.

22. Best thing you bake? Christmas bread.

23. What are you listening to right now? Here’s a little playlist for you: Riptide by Vance Joy. Step Into The Darkness by Said The Whale. Real Love Baby by Father John Misty. Everything is Alright by The Glorious Sons. Scars by James Bay. And Then Some (acoustic) by Arkells. Good Old Days by Macklemore f. Kesha. Come A Little Bit Closer by Jay & The Americans. Heartbeat by Buddy Holly. Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder. White Lightning by The Cadillac Three. And if you’re ready, Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley.

24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My Dad. He calls almost every day which is sweet until it isn’t.

25. Who was the last person you sent a text to? Ma Pooks, Megan.

26. Scary film or happy endings? Happy endings. Idyllic made-for-tv Christmas movies are my most favourite.

27. Four people alive or dead that you would like to have dinner with? Obama, Max, sister, and my now-deceased adopted grandma Rosie.

28. Hugs or kisses? Hugs!

29. Where were you born? Toronto General Hospital. Emergency C-Section, Thursday, November 10, 1983, 1:43am.

30. What is the farthest you have been from home? Rome: 7,077 km away.

31. Favorite childhood book? Corduroy.

32. What would be the title of your autobiography? Tell me about the time you were broken.

33. Favorite animal? bears!

34. Mountain cabin or beach house? Can my mountain cabin be by a lake? I’d like that. Or a small beach bungalow in St. Simons.

Indulge me: what would be the title of your autobiography?

ps: I’m trying to spread a little love today; join me in doing something nice for someone else. It would absolutely make my day to hear about it – tag me (@allisonbridgman) and use the hashtag #34LOVEballoons

Shortly after I hit publish from my first post from this new URL with this fancy/cute new layout a very encouraging friend shared the love by tweeting a link and some blush-worthy words “#ChatterCat pal @allisonbridgman launched a brand new blog! Head over to discover her fun, smart, positive world”.

It was sweet and so so very much appreciated. But on the inside I wasn’t feeling fun, smart, or positive.

On Fridays I’m not faking it when I type out things I’m loving. I really do laugh, giggle, nod in agreement, or desire to make/bake those things if only I had a little more enthusiasm to make dinner/a working oven.

I’m a firm believer of spreading joy. And definitely think there’s a whole lot of negativity in our twitter feed, online newspapers, and bullying words overheard in checkout lines. And I’m not being negative but I am trying to be a real person. Most days look like 8-9 hours of sleep, 2 cups of coffee, sweatpants, a real lunch, tv in the background if I wish, and a leisurely evening. Not a care in the world. A home to comfort me, food to nourish me, a mind capable of keeping me employed and interested in the things around me.

On the inside I’m screaming. Panicking. Anxiety attacks in the middle of the night that wake me in a pool of sweat hardly able to catch my breath. And thinking. So much fucking thinking.

I’m the good girl. Polite, I don’t talk back. Rarely raise my voice and avoid confrontation at all costs. Let people walk all over me because I can not stand up for myself. I make responsible decisions and for the most part, put other people’s needs before my own.

I decided to sell my condo but remain in the same city because it is what I can comfortably afford. It’s the responsible thing to do. It’s close enough to my grandma and my Dad; both of whom would probably really prefer I lived here and not on the other side of the country. It took me weeks to come to that conclusion because I wanted to be anywhere but here; I wanted to live in the mountain, by the ocean, a barrier island, and in the city. I crunched numbers, I searched websites, I had an internal struggle. I waited for someone else to tell me what to do. (WHY WILL NO ONE EVER MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME?) I prayed that I’d wake up a millionaire; an American; with a bigger salary; with an answer.

I made the responsible choice because I don’t know how to make a different one. I realized it was what I could afford and realized that I have a hard time making new friends so working from home, shy as hell, and living alone in say, BC, probably wouldn’t work for me.

I have my apartment listed and while I don’t want to live here I don’t know if I made the right decision. There was a bit of interest but nothing in the last 5 days. No one likes my apartment. No one likes me.

Everyone has “a family thing”, right? I know I’m not the only one. But it feels like no one could possibly understand. You can’t possibly know what mental illness is like until it affects your family. You don’t know what it’s like to feel torn apart and broken until you experience it. You’ll wish, every day, that everything would “go back to normal”. You’ll blame people. You’ll feel unloved.

I wish I had never uttered the words “but I can’t say that, because what if [the person] kills themselves?”

I don’t have a lot of friends and sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to someone who isn’t a cashier at the grocery store. But sometimes I crave being alone. Crave having no one say anything to me. I love quiet time. Reading a book, watching a movie, binge watching of Season One of Scandal (hello Sunday afternoon).

Sometimes this makes you stronger. I don’t need to be busy all the time. I know how to entertain myself. But sometimes it’s nice to know someone else is thinking of you.

I tuck it away and pretend it’s fine. I watch videos of kittens or search photos of bears. I flip through photos albums.

I’m not ok today but I will be. I’m always a little bit broken, but who isn’t?

Stuff sucks sometimes.

But there are kitchen dance parties. And dreams that you and Mindy Kaling are besties (call me maybe??). Dreams that you are also friends with your tv boyfriend. There’s ice cream and the sweet smell of a summer rainstorm. There’s your favourite song on repeat. A book to get lost in. The sun rise. There’s hot coffee and cold sheets.

Sometimes stuff sucks. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. And sometimes I don’t think about it at all.